Dungeons & Dorks
by Master thief Gray Shadow
Summary: Aqours plays Dungeons & Dragons. Hilarity ensues. Entry in the Love Live Secret Santa 2017.


A Secret Santa gift for one Scytherion on Tumblr.

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"You are all gathered at the mouth of the cave. You are all rested and at full HP. You have all gotten everything you need back in town-"

"Wait!" Eight pairs of eyes turned to look at Chika, with one emerald green pair looking like they might burn some holes in her. "How many crossbow bolts do I have? I think I might need more."

Dia pinched the bridge of her nose. "Satsuma has forty-two crossbow bolts. She doesn't need anymore."

"She does?" Everyone continued to watch as Chika fumbled with her character sheet, examining her inventory with intensity. After what was probably less than ten seconds but seemed way longer than that, Chika finally let out a gasp of understanding. "Ohhhh, she does!" She smiled brightly at Dia, who met it with another harsh glare.

Dia sighed. "Anyway, you have all gotten everyth-"

" _Wait_!" Mari said, in English. "I need to get a component pouch!"

Dia turned to face Mari, her eyes now positively burning with murderous intent. Off to the side of the gaming table, Ruby hid behind Hanamaru, somewhat uncomfortable with her sister's killer aura. "You have a component pouch, Luce," Dia said with barely contained rage. "You've been using it for the entire game."

"But I need another one," Mari said. The smug grin she had on her face suggested that this was not about going back to town to shop.

"Denied," Dia said before turning back to her notes. "As I was saying, you-"

"But Dia-sama, why noooooot?" Mari was whining now, and it was grating on everyone, especially Dia, who was clenching her fist so hard her knuckles had turned white.

"Because," She said through clenched teeth, "I know you're messing around, and I am not going to let you delay this very important dungeon any longer. And don't call me that."

"But I want to get another component pouch!" Dia let out a long sigh before picking up the D20 and passing it in Mari's direction. Mari raised an eyebrow. "Ohhhh, I see what you're getting at, Dia-sama," She said as she picked up the die, tossing it up and down in her hand. A vein in Dia's forehead bulged slightly.

"What's going on here, zura?" Hanamaru asked through a mouthful of chips.

Kanan chuckled slightly. "Mari wants to do something Dia doesn't want her to do," She said. "So she's rolling the dice against Dia to see if she'll be allowed to do it. Whoever gets the higher number wins."

"Ohhhhhh." Hanamaru nodded in understanding. "That's interesting, zura."

Mari practically threw the die across the table, very nearly hitting Yoshiko. "H-hey! It's rude for little demons like yourself to endanger your master like this!" She said as Riko patted her back reassuringly.

"At least you didn't get hit this time Yocchan," She said in an attempt to be comforting.

Meanwhile Mari was beaming smugly at Dia. "Seventeen," She said as she met Dia's furious gaze. "Let's see you beat that." Without breaking eye contact Dia took the die and rolled it, perhaps with a little more force than necessary. But only a little. The die stopped just in front of Mari, whose face, for all of a split second, showed nothing but despair.

"Nineteen," Dia said calmly. She picked up the die again, but didn't miss the flash of mischief in Mari's eyes, something that said _I'll win next time, you'll see_. Ignoring the bubble of dread forming inside her, she once again picked up her notes, more eager than ever to start this session properly. "Now, does anyone else have anything to say before we begin?" Silence, only broken by the munching of chips. Slowly Dia glanced around the room, carefully scrutinizing each and every one of her players. The silence continued, then You coughed awkwardly, then it was silent again. "Very well," Dia said finally, causing everyone in the room to realize that they had been holding their breaths, which they all released simultaneously in a collective sigh. "You are all gathered at the mouth of the cave. You are at full health and you have everything you need. Do any of you need to prepare spells?"

"Fufufu, The Great Yohane shall prepare the darkest spells that will force all little demons to submit!" Yoshiko continued to cackle dramatically and make bizarre, exaggerated gestures. Nobody batted an eye at the display. They were all used to it at this point.

"Yohane is a warlock, she doesn't need to prepare spells," Dia said as she sifted through her notes. Yoshiko pouted, grumbling about how of course The Great Yohane didn't need to prepare spells because she was just that powerful. Riko gently patted her head. "Anyone else?"

Mari's hand shot up. "I wanna prepare _Magic Missile_!" Dia glared at her.

"You have Magic Missile as a cantrip, you don't need to prepare it," She said.

"But if I prepare it then it will _hit extra hard_ ," Mari said, that goddamn catlike grin on her face again.

"No, no it won't." Dia ignored Mari's further arguments and turned back to the rest of the players. "Now, does anybody actually need to prepare spells?"

After several minutes of spell prep, most of which was spent telling Mari that no, please don't prepare three uses of Stinking Cloud, be an adult for once, the party was finally ready to move forward. Dia shuffled her notes as she spoke. "Princess Flannery is supposedly in this mountain, but there are other dangers in this cave. Does the party with to talk amongst themselves before continuing?"

Yoshiko began cackling again. "There is no danger too great for The Great Yohane!" She said smugly.

"Except highwaymen, apparently," Kanan said. Everyone else snickered. Nobody knew that it was possible to be poisoned and frozen at the same time. Yoshiko scowled.

"Th-that was not my greatest moment," She said, sweat running down her face. Hanamaru smirked.

"You say that but it's been like that the entire campaign, zura." Yoshiko let out a whine of frustration, much to everyone's amusement.

"Well, Midori actually tried to convert them." Yoshiko turned to glare at Kanan. "What were you thinking?"

"I just wanted to see if I could do it," She said, shrugging.

"Listen, I know this cave is full of dangerous stuff, but I know we can get through it," Chika said, trying her best to be inspiring, as bards are wont to be. "I know we'll be able to save the princess!"

"Satsuma's right," You said, a fist raised triumphantly. "This party's beat impossible odds before, we're sure to do it again." She raised her hand in salute before turning to Riko. "Isn't that right Lily?"

"Um…" It was still a little weird to have everyone call her Lily. Maybe she should have named her character something different… "O-of course Captain Highwind, with Pelor's guidance we will overcome the challenges in front of us!"

"So, are we all ready to go into the cave?" Kanan asked. Everyone else responded affirmatively, Mari enthusiastically so, before they all turned to Dia.

"Very well," Dia said, looking down at her notes. "You all enter the cave. It's very dark, you can only see a few feet in front of you. How do you proceed?"

Mari slammed her hand on the table, startling everyone in the room. "I wanna cast _Magic Missile_!"

"Denied!" Dia said again. Ruby began counting on her fingers how many times Dia had shouted at Mari today. "Does anyone else want to actually try to solve the problem in front of the party?"

"I'll cast Light on my sword," Chika said. "That way I can lead us through the cave."

Dia nodded. "Do you have the materials needed to cast Light?"

Chika's face fell rather quickly. "Um…" She said nervously, scratching the back of her head. "What kind of materials?"

"You need a firefly or a sample of phosphorescent moss," Dia said. "Do you have either of those things?"

Chika grabbed her character sheet again, frantically scanning her inventory again. Her ahoge visibly drooped after a moment as she slumped forward. "No…" She said, resigned. Riko frowned as she watched Chika bury her face in her hands.

"I actually have some fireflies on me, if you want one," She said, patting Chika's shoulder reassuringly. Chika perked up extremely quickly.

"Oh Lily, you're so kind," Chika said, placing her hands on Riko's shoulders. Nobody particularly noticed, but Yoshiko's eye started twitching. "You really don't need to do that. I'll figure something out."

"No, Satsuma, you're the light of this party, it's only fair," Riko said, now way too close to Chika's face. You coughed. Yoshiko made gagging noises. "You should be the one to light the way."

"Lily…" Chika said softly. Hanamaru seemed to be watching the scene intensely, rapidly shovelling food into her mouth with one hand. The other was over Ruby's eyes. There was a long pause, with Chika and Riko staring intensely at each other in complete silence. Dia shuffled her notes and opened her mouth to speak.

"I cast _Light_ on Midori's armor!" Mari shouted, nearly giving half the other people in the group a heart attack. Riko visibly scrambled to her original position, an obvious blush now on her face.

"Um...okay." Dia looked over at Kanan. "Midori, your armor starts glowing brightly, lighting up the room."

Kanan began to shift uncomfortably. "So wait, if we run into any enemies, will they target me because I'm glowing?"

Dia wasn't even looking at Kanan. "They might," She said. "Anyway, you find yourselves in a somewhat narrow cave corridor. You can hear the chittering of bats from the ceiling." Nobody noticed Kanan's nervous expression. Except maybe Mari, who was grinning smugly.

"I call down the bats to truly become little demons," Yoshiko said, covering part of her face with her cloak. "I wish to hear the whispers of what lies in this cave!"

Dia nodded. "Very well. Roll for animal handling." Yoshiko grinned before swiftly grabbing the d20 and vigorously shaking it in her hand.

"Fufufu, watch as these creatures of the night recognize their true master," She said as she cast the die. It rolled a good distance before stopping in front of Kanan.

"Just a two, huh?" Kanan said, examining the die.

"W-wait!" Yoshiko said, sweat visible on her face. "I still need to add my modifier!"

"Indeed," Dia said, glancing at her notes. "Hm, your Wisdom score is ten, so…"

"So of course the great Yohane isn't _that_ terrible at calling forth her little demons," Yoshiko said triumphantly.

"Actually," Dia said, looking up at Yoshiko gravely, "It means you don't have a Wisdom modifier, and since animal handling is determined by your Wisdom, you don't have an animal handling modifier either." Yoshiko fell forward, her forehead colliding with the table. "The bats do not respond to your summons, but you do feel something land on you. You look over to see a grimy brown substance on your shoulder." The entire room burst into barely contained snickers. Yoshiko wanted to die.

"I say we move forward," Chika said, still holding in laughter. "We have to find that dragon."

The party continued through the cave, which turned out to be surprisingly free of enemies. "I don't like this," You said. "It's too quiet." She missed the small smile that was on Dia's lips.

" _I'm bored_!" Mari whined as they entered a larger chamber. "There's nothing in this cave!" Mari crossed her arms and pouted. "I cast _Magic Missile_!"

"At what?" Dia said. "What is Luce casting Magic Missile at?"

"I don't know," Mari said, still pouting. "The wall." There was a moment of silence as everyone turned to look at Dia. Dia folded her hands under her chin, resting on them.

"Very well," She said finally. "Luce casts Magic Missile at the wall." There was a small collective gasp around the room, even Mari looked slightly surprised. "Well, what are you waiting for? Roll for damage."

Mari picked up the dice, now grinning her usual grin again. "What's your game, Dia-chan?" She said as she rolled. "I was sure I'd have to argue with you some more." Dia's face was calm and cold now, it deeply unsettled everyone.

"Why would you need to do that?" Dia said as the dice landed. A two, another two, and a four. "You do want to cast Magic Missile after all." She examined the dice, an almost tangible tension filling the room. Dia seemed to savor it, revelling in every held breath and nervous stare. These were the moments that she, as a DM, lived for. The moments in which she could inspire fear in her players. She met Mari's eyes again, barely suppressing her grin. "Luce, you cast Magic Missile. Three projectiles fly from your hands, each hitting the stone wall of the cave." Dia's grin was growing wider, and Mari was almost recoiling in fear. Almost. She wouldn't dream of showing that kind of weakness in front of Dia. "The walls begin to crack from the impact, and the whole room begins to shake." There were murmurs at all corners of the room as Dia now had a positively maniacal expression on her face. She let out a few sinister chuckles before speaking again. "Everyone," she said, her voice dripping with sadistic delight, "roll for initiative."

With trembling hands each of the players rolled the die. Yoshiko, surprisingly, only managed to roll second to last, having rolled a three right before Chika rolled a two. "Perhaps God will allow me into His graces once more?" She had said rather dramatically. Riko had rolled a seventeen, which was a lot higher than the next highest roll, Mari's, which was a twelve. Eventually they established an order and watched as Dia took the die, only just holding in her cruel laughter.

"A part of the wall falls away, and behind it is a dragon." There was a collective gasp. Riko swallowed nervously. Mari seemed to be alright at first glance, but beads of sweat could be seen gathering on her forehead upon closer examination. "It's a red dragon, just a young one but still a dragon."

"A dragon?" You said, slamming her hands down on the table. "How can we defeat that?"

Dia slowly lifted the die, taking in the horrified stares of her players. Even Ruby was cowering in the corner, her killer aura was so strong. She let out a small but very evil-sounding laugh as she rolled.

"Don't worry," Chika said as the die rolled across the table, "we can defeat this dragon. I know we can!" The die rolled, and rolled, and everyone held their breath. It stopped in front of Riko, who let out a nervous "eep!" upon seeing how it landed. She picked up the die, her hand trembling as she handed it back to Dia. "E-eighteen," She said.

Dia continued to smirk as she took the die back. "This is the order of the turns," She said. "Lily goes first, followed by the dragon, then Luce, then Captain Highwind, Midori, Yohane, and finally Satsuma." She turned to Riko, who began visibly trembling. "So," Dia said condescendingly, "What will Lily do?"

Riko looked around the room as if begging for someone to come and help her, before lifting up her character sheet in her shaking hand. She looked over it for a bit, before looking back in Dia's general direction. Not directly at her, of course, but close enough. "I cast Bless on Satsuma, Yohane, and Midori," She said, her voice uneven.

"Very well," Dia said. "Satsuma, Yohane, and Midori can now add an extra d4 to their rolls." The sound of Chika, Yoshiko, and Kanan exhaling simultaneously could be heard. "Do you end your turn?"

"Um...yes." Riko was still squirming under Dia's gaze. Dia smirked before returning to her notes.

"It's a good thing Lily cast Bless, because the dragon breathes out a stream of fire. Everyone, make a dexterity saving throw."

As it turns out, Bless really had been the best idea ever, because everyone managed to succeed in making their throws. Even Yoshiko just barely made it. Still, the entire party had taken twenty-eight damage each, and poor Satsuma was just about dead. "Satsuma!" You and Riko had both shouted out at once. The expression on Chika's face was a determined one, suggesting that she was thinking really hard about what she would do. And she was going last, so she'd have plenty of time.

"Luce!" Riko said to Mari. "You have to heal Satsuma, please!"

Mari put a hand on her chin in faux-thoughtfulness as she glanced at her character sheet. "Hm…" She continued to stare at the sheet, everyone else holding their breath in anticipation. That was, until they realized a full minute had passed and Mari was showing no signs of making a decision. Mari just sat there, looking at her sheet, until Dia cleared her throat.

"If you're not going to do anything you can skip your turn," She said, a vein popping out from her forehead.

" _Wait_!" Mari said. "I still need some time to decide! This is a _very important_ decision!"

Dia slammed her hand down on the table, startling everyone. "You have five seconds to decide! Five! Four! Three! Two-"

"I cast Stinking Cloud!" The sound of eight people collectively facepalming was heard.

Dia rubbed at her temples. "Everyone, make a Constitution saving throw," She said with a sigh.

Yoshiko snatched up the die. "The Great Yohane was stopped once by poison, but it shall not stop her again!" She vigorously shook the die before letting it loose. Riko leaned down to see the number it landed on.

"Ooh…" She said with a wince. "Is that a nat one?"

Without another word Yoshiko picked up the die and hurled it across the room, where it collided with Kanan's forehead. "Ow," She said as she rubbed her forehead.

"Kanan-chan! Are you okay, zura?" Hanamaru rushed to Kanan's side, cradling her head in her arms. Or at least trying to.

"I'm okay, jeez," Kanan said with a small laugh. "It was just a dice."

On the other side of the room Yoshiko was lying face down on the table, with Riko staring at her. "Please don't throw the dice Yocchan," She said in exasperation.

The other rolls were less eventful. Kanan, Chika, and unfortunately the dragon succeeded, You and Riko did not. Now that it was her turn, Kanan glanced at her spell list. "I cast Cure Wounds on Satsuma," She said. Wordlessly Dia passed her the d8, which she took and rolled rather gently. She smiled with relief when she got a seven. "Okay Satsuma, I've got you."

"Satsuma recovers nine hit points," Dia said, not looking up from her notes.

"Thanks Midori!" Chika said. "You're such a great paladin!" Kanan just rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. Chika's focus returned to the fight, and her determined expression returned once more. She waited a moment, before turning to Dia. Dia reached over to grab her water bottle, and maintained eye contact with Chika even as she took a sip. Finally, Chika spoke. "I kiss the dragon."

Dia nearly sprayed water all over the table before having a terrible coughing fit. Ruby ran over to her and begged her not to die. After she finally regained the ability to talk, she looked up at Chika, her face incredulous. "You WHAT?"

Chika's expression did not change. "I. Kiss. The dragon." She repeated.

"Why would you do that?" Yoshiko said from the other end of the table. "Are you trying to seduce the dragon?"

"I just have a feeling this will do something," Chika said. Dia sighed before grabbing the d20.

"We'll roll on this," She said as she let the die loose. A nineteen.

"How are you gonna beat that?" You said as she watched Chika pick up the die. Chika shook it hard, quietly praying to whatever gods might listen that she could pull this off. She threw, and the die rolled all the way across the table, only stopping dangerously close to the edge. You and Yoshiko leaned over to see what it was, and their jaws dropped.

"Chika, you…"

"It's not possible…"

"Let me see," Riko said before getting up to look. Upon seeing the die she clapped a hand over her mouth in shock. "That's…"

"What is it?" Chika said.

"It's a nat twenty," You said, her voice shuddering. Dia nearly choked.

"V-very well," She said fearfully. "Satsuma makes her way to the dragon, and…" Dia paused, there were tears in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Kanan said.

"I'm fine!" Dia said forcefully, attempting to refocus. "Satsuma places a small kiss on the dragon's snout."

"Well, you've kissed the dragon," Riko said. "What are you gonna do now?"

"The...the dragon begins to glow, until it's enveloped in a pure white light," Dia said. Everyone perked up.

"Wait," Yoshiko said, "Are you telling me that kissing the dragon actually did something?"

"The dragon is glowing so brightly now that it's hard to make out its shape," Dia said, nearly crying now. Ruby gently placed a hand on her head.

"What's wrong Onee-chan?" She asked.

"I just…" Dia was shaking. "I didn't think things would turn out this way…" She took another moment to breathe before continuing. "The room is full of light, and it blinds you. This lasts for about a minute before the light fades. Where the dragon once stood is...Princess Flannery."

What happened next was a little hard to describe. There was a lot of shouting and confusion, and someone said something about something being "bland and unoriginal". But mostly there were people clapping Chika on the back for saving the princess.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Dia said amid the confusion, her head buried in her hands. "This was either supposed to be a total party kill or you'd kill her and start a massive war." Dia stood up and pointed at Chika, who still wasn't quite sure what was going on. "You ruined my entire campaign! I hope you're happy about this!" Tears were streaming from her eyes now as she ran out of the room, a concerned and somewhat upset Ruby following behind.

Well shit, Chika thought. She ruined the campaign, but more pressingly she made Dia cry. There was a tight feeling in her chest, and she couldn't just ignore it. Jumping out of her chair, she ran out as well. "I'm so sorry Dia-san! Please forgive me!"

Mari had watched all these scenes unfold with amusement, resting her head on her arm. "I've taught you well, my young apprentice," She said, to nobody in particular.


End file.
